3:21 PM 6/28/2004
So, just finished another day of work.
Yeah, should be greatful that i’ve got a job, that I’m living, that I’m blind and not stupid, bla bla bla bla!
But, I’m not.
So what If I’m not?
Am I hear to praise God?
Do I have a right to feel?
Am I supposed to switch myself off?
I don’t know anymore and I don’t like not knowing why I don’t like feeling lost!
Anyway, I wrote a few things whilst working.
Here it is.
And I thought that my body has been drained from every possible strand of feeling!
But, fate is drawing more blood, more of me leaving behind a darkness, darker than dark. A type of darkness that’s not the absence of light but, just the deepest darkness.
I slur from day to day; pulling, no, forcing myself to drag my soul along.
I’m still just thinking of her.
Grr, Rubi, my sweet Grr, Cuddles!
And noone has an immediate selution. — Hang-on, time will tell, don’t worry, she’s just another fish in the sea!
Maybe that’s what she is for them.
Maybe it’s ok for them to think the way they think!
Maybe they do not think the way I think and because I’m different, it’s different.
Is she ever going to release me from this doubt?
Will she find the time to think about it?
Does she want to find the time or is it just easier to crush my head against the wall?
I wish I was like other people who could just move on.
It hurts to be unhappy.
It’s ok to be tired; it’s fine to be sad;
But, it’s alot easier when you can be all of that knowing that someone loves you.
2:37 PM 6/28/2004
Woe, may I speak to you for a while,
Or are you too busy for me?
Occupied with nothing really,
Like watching TV?
So, you’re gona let your life slip by,
You’re just gona ignore me,
You’re gona live this lie,
You really wona do this to me?
I mustn’t phone you,
You don’t wona hear from me,
Click, Switch my feelings off, Pwu!
Just like a TV.
You don’t want to hear what I’ve got to say,
Don’t want to really listen to me,
You’d rather run away,
It’s easier, you see.
Letter to Grr.
3:01 PM 6/28/2004
Although you took my call once or twice,
Just to let your phone stop making noise.
You never really listened to what I had to say.
You were busy with other things,
Forcing yourself to be what you’re not,
But, it get’s easier to be like those who are not like you when you spend more time with them.
And, because you become more like them, you become less like you.
So, you see more benefit in being less than you and less benefit in being the real you.
Those who are not like you would obviously aprove and when they see more of themselves in you, they’d favour you and not apose you.
They’d swallow words, swallow pride; just so that they might have an extention in this life of some kind.
so, for you to be different is dangerous, for it is a reminder of their weakness, their defeat;
Their inability to be themselves, the absence of a fresh new start that they once had.
Your individuality goes against what they believe in,
It reminds them of people in their past, people who were and still is, an individual!
All I can say is that I’m out of ideas, out of hope, life;
That spark that I thought would never die is nowhere to be found.
I drag myself from one second to the next.
It feels like many lifetimes of emptiness.
I hate it! It’s making me scared: More and more and more!
And the worst is that I’m alone.
I don’t have that resting place in my heart anymore, it’s gone, I’m worthless without it and yes, I’m feeling sorry for myself!
It’s instinct! I’d be stupid if I didn’t feel scared and sorry for myself!
It’s a form of self-preservation so that I might stumble across some idea or resolution that might just pull me out of this predicament!
There’s only two ways out of this situation:
Death of me, as in who I am or
Return to normality. Getting back with her.
Right now, I’m dead!