MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

3. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

4. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

5. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount
to align car window with the machine.

3. Set hand brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to
passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them
back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine
due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your
PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and
place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place
receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive...

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Don't you just hate terrorists? Even when they fail, they
make life difficult for us.

Back in December 2001, just three months after 9/11, Richard Reid, a passenger on an American Airlines flight, tried to ignite explosives hidden in his shoes. Fortunately for everyone on board, Reid's shoe size was considerably higher than his IQ. He brought attention to himself, was subdued by passengers and is currently serving a life sentence at a maximum security prison in Colorado, the only prisoner in America required to wear plastic see-through shoes.

Thanks to the shoe bomber, many passengers were asked to remove their shoes as they passed through airport security and, as you can imagine, some of them made quite a stink. And others made a stink about the stink. As for me, I found myself cursing the shoe bomber in several languages, thanks to the book "The Rough Guide to World Cursing."

Me: "$#@& shoe bomber! If it weren't for him, I'd be able to travel without showing everyone the hole in my sock."

Security officer: "That's a big hole. Do you mind if I look inside it?"

Millions of people removed their shoes over the last decade and not a single bomb was found, though a...

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*The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
will be the official language of the European Union rather than German,
which was the other possibility.

**
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in
plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make
the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of
"k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards have one less letter.

**
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.

**
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling be expekted to reach
the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always
ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is
disgrasful and it should go away.

**
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" be dropd from...

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(Apologies to Mark Twain)

By Sarah Palin
Former Governator of a Really Big State

Satire


Originally published on September 04, 2009

-- Once upon a time there was a little boy named Barack Hussein Obama who was born in Hawaii, which is near Kenya, or maybe part of Kenya--who can tell? At any rate he was born in Hawaii, maybe, on an island named Oahu, which rhymes with “Wahoo,” which is the yell that came from my daughter’s bedroom so many times when she and her boyfriend were watching the Christian Broadcasting Network’s review of Gospel Favorites—they were such fans!-- and his father was from Kenya, which made the little boy half an African American--a real African American, not one of the fake kinds from Georgia or someplace--or at least half an African American, since his mother wasn't from Kenya or Hawaii, but was from Kansas, which is part of Chicago. I think. At least, there are some nice stores there and a really tall building and a lake nobody can swim in because it’s so polluted bigger than the Bering Straits that you can’t really see across whether the Russians are there are no and can’t swim in because it’s so...

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Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the evidence that I have been using company property for personal purposes, including circulating my resume, searching for more rewarding and satisfying work.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they maybe connected to the butt that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work....
12% on Monday,
23% on Tuesday,
40% on Wednesday,
20% on Thursday,
5% on Fridays.

And help me to remember..... When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are working on my last Good Nerve, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.
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• Drive a German car


• Visit an Irish pub for a Belgian beer


• On the way home purchase either fish and chips, an Indian curry, a Turkish kebab, or a Chinese takeaway. Though probably the curry, because they fucking rock and taste better than any fucking thing originating anywhere within about a thousand miles
  of England, whose national "cuisine" centers profoundly on nasty shit, boiled until at least it doesn't taste of anything.


• Eat said food while sitting on a Swedish sofa while watching American programs on a Japanese television


• Steal Genoese flags and Czech coats of arms and pretend that they are yours


• Be suspicious of all things foreign


• Believe that England will win every sporting event, and send death threats to someone when it doesn't happen. Riot when you lose. Or when you win. Travel
  to international games not so much to see the match as to fuck up the city center and throw bricks and bottles at the local police afterwards. Sing ingenious
  songs on the terraces such as the unforgettable "I'd rather be a Paki than a Turk", premiered while playing Turkey.


• Criticize Americans for engaging in irresponsible imperialistic adventurism
  while forgetting that America is the product of irresponsible imperialistic adventurism on the part of the English.


• Dress in a tracksuit or other sporting gear but don't actually have any exercise


• Never go to the dentist/orthodontist for the remainder of your life


• Fork off the state


• Become a Wikipedo, emo your way into being an Admin so you can resign in disgrace, then get all emo again so you can attention whore your way back into power.


• Say FFS after every other word


• Secretly wish you were American

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 If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature
hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the
heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Ceasarian Section ."
A: The Ceasarian Section is a district in Rome .

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. No Trackbacks

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I was buying a large bag of Epol (Dog food) at Pick and Pay and standing in line at the check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Epol diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 22 kilos before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Epol nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.  

Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food???? No Trackbacks

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Since its formation in 1977, the International Association of Audio Information Services (I.A.A.I.S.) has grown to nearly 100 members. Any reading service is eligible for membership and current members include those found throughout the United States, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Japan and South Africa.

IAAIS exists to provide audio access information services to people who are print-disabled, including the blind, visually impaired, learning disabled, or physically disabled. Some services affiliate with state or volunteer agencies, while others are independent, non-profit agencies that are associated with public radio stations, commercial FM stations, colleges, universities, or libraries.

Formerly known as the National Association of Radio Reading Services, the Association changed its name during its 1999 annual conference to reflect new developments that are affecting reading services worldwide, such as the advent of new technologies for delivering audio.

Volunteers provide numerous hours of live and recorded programs for radio reading services each day. With the assistance of these dedicated volunteers, radio reading services are able to provide listeners with a wide variety of timely and informative programming. For example, listeners can hear news features,
sports, business, opinions, advertisements and other material derived from newspapers, books and magazines.

Informational and public affairs programming is also made available through many services--and others provide audio descriptions of live theater, museum exhibits, nature trails, parades and other visual venues. Some broadcast their radio signal live on the Internet using RealAudio or Emblaze players, while others archive programs for on-demand Internet or phone dial-up listening.

The Library of Congress estimates that 1.5 % of the U.S. population is print disabled and that these individuals and millions of people worldwide are qualified to receive these services. These are typically broadcast on a subcarrier channel of an FM radio station. Listeners must have a pre-tuned SCA (Subsidiary Communications Authorization) receiver to pick up the closed circuit broadcast. Some services broadcast on a television SAP (Second Audio Program) channel,
cable systems or via open channel radio.

Each and every radio reading service has its own fund-raising mechanisms. Some receive support from local or state government. Others receive contributions from foundations, service organizations, businesses or corporations. Many rely on the generosity of listeners, volunteers and friends. For further information about becoming a member, listener, volunteer or donor, or about a service in your area, call the International Association of Audio Information Services.


International Association of Audio Information Services (I.A.A.I.S.)
Toll Free: 800-280-5325
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Thanks Juan for forwarding this to me via email.

****
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
 
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying  "Hello." I politely
said, "This is Colin. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
 
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
 
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
 
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it and put it
in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying  bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an  asshole!"
 
It always cheered me up.
 
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
 
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.
 
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited
for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
 
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
 
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is."
 
I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
 
He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Road, in Redhill and the car's parked right out in front."
 
I asked, "What's your name?"
 
He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"
 
I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
 
He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
 
I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
 
He said, "Yes?"
 
I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"
 
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
 
Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.
 
He said, "Hello."
 
I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
 
He asked, "Are you still there?"
 
I said, "Yeah,"
 
He screamed, "Stop calling me,"
 
I said, "Make me,"
 
He asked, "Who are you?"
 
I said, "My name is Don Hansen."
 
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"
 
I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Road, in Redhill, I have a black Beamer parked in front."
 
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don and you had better start saying your prayers."
 
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
 
Then I called Asshole #2.
 
He said, "Hello?"
 
I said, "Hello, asshole,"
 
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
 
I said , "You'll what?"
 
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"
 
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
 
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Road, in Redhill, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Sky News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Road, in Redhill.
 
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Redhill. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
 
 
NOW I feel much better.
 
Anger management really does work. No Trackbacks

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