"Children need boooundarieees," child psychologists harangue in that
sing-songy, whiny voice that annoys the crap out of me. "They need
limits on what they're allowed to dooooo."

I wholeheartedly agree. I am a firm believer in setting boundaries as a
way to help children grow. My own kids have learned the Basic Rules for
Getting Along in the Deckers' House: be respectful to others, never hit
your siblings, and never, ever cheer against the Colts.

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Were any of you pinheads sober enough to read the news lately?
If you were you will have noticed that the U.S. national debt has now exceeded seven trillion dollars.

Since most of you have trouble counting higher than ten with- out taking your shoes off, let me put that in numbers even you can understand.

Let's say an average person graduates from college at 21 years old. He or she works from then until retirement at 65. That gives the average person 44 years of income. Let's further say that a person will make an average of $50,000 per year. You will probably start out making much less, but when you retire
you will probably be making significantly more. So, as an
average, we'll say that over 44 years you'll make $50,000 per year.

Using these numbers you will, in your working life, earn a
gross total of $2,200,000 (two million, two hundred thousand dollars). If you donated every cent of your income, before taxes, to paying off the national debt, it would take you three million, one hundred and eighty-two thousand years to do it.

Better get started.

"But hang on a minute, you well-hung sexual magician reeking of machismo," you say, "the last time the United States had a balanced budget was in 1965. What the hell difference does it make to me, the average retard, if the national debt is seven trillion dollars?"

What difference indeed. Did you know that last year the U.S. Government spent $318 billion on interest payments on the National Debt. Not on principle, mind you, on interest. That's nearly 17 percent of the entire budget.

What happens when 20 percent of the budget goes toward interest payments? What about 25? What about 30 percent? I'll tell you what's going to happen. Socialism.

The government is going to become a bloated, corrupt empire, gorging itself on the dwindling produce of the brain-washed citizenry under it and belching forth bureaucracy in a perpetuating cycle of fiscal cannibalism.

Private enterprise will become an almost forgotten fantasy as capitalism surrenders to sky-rocketing inflation and unemployment. Luxury items will become scarcer and scarcer (except for those privileged few in the Politburo) and the quality of basic necessities and services will deteriorate until it will take you six months just to buy, for $50, a bottle of aspirin that was made in Canada!

Not that you'll get to take any of them. Because on the way home from the pharmacist you'll most likely be mugged by the roaming gangs of criminals driven to desperation by the rampant unemployment. Then you can buy back a couple of your aspirin the next day on the black market for ten bucks a pop.

But don't worry about it. Read your dick jokes, drink your Old Milwaukee, masturbate to your online porn and let the television pacify you into believing that the cuntry is moving onward and upward.

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Say Queen Latifa, the big black sister in the Benz C230:
I know you saw me behind you, in the Black Lexus LS430,
coming at you at about 95 MPH... but you still held your
course in the left lane at 58 thinking that's your right.
I know you got yourself a fine ride and you want people
to see you driving your fancy Benz. But until you make
enough to step up to the S class I don't care how long
your fingernails are, just get your chucky fried chicken
eating ass out of the left lane.

To Jethro, the working brother in the 1994 Caprice Classic:
I know that you got up late today and I appreciate the fact
that your moving through traffic, but that car of yours,
with the mismatched door and rear quarter panel is not
capable of keeping up with my Lexus so please stop trying.
I mean, that tire looks like it's made from a Baker's
Square pie tin and a Timex watch band. I know you don't
have insurance and that you're license is revoked for
driving after suspension so I'm beggin you to slow down
and just stay the fuck away from me.

Yo Pimp Daddy, the wana'be in the '02 Escalade: You may
want to take it easy, it's 8 in the morning and you're
already on your second fatty. I like the spinners but can
see that one is already broke, and you have the system up
so much that the back window is shaking out of the frame.
Actually, I hope you got a real good deal on that truck
because it's clear the frame's bent, the whole thing is
dogwalking in the lane. Anyway, between the pot and the
music I know you're having a hard time concentrating on
the road so just do us all a favor and stay the fuck out
of the
left lane.

Howdy J.T., the hillbilly in the 1982 F150: Thanks for
moving over when you saw me coming; you're a great American.
However next time you don't need to smile at me as I pass.
I can't get the image of your nearly toothless grin out of
my mind. I'd tell you do ease up on the Camels but I fear
it's just too late. Smoke-up.

Hello Michael, the newest stock broker in the '06 Jaguar
X-Type: Look here Mikey, $100K/yr don't give you the right
you drive 60 in the left lane you piece-of-shit. I see you
trying to dial the phone instead of moving the fuck over
into the center lane. If I wasn't on my way to a meeting
I'd follow you to wherever you were going just so I could
shove that BlueTooth headset up your ass. You should have
gotten the Lexus GS but thought that the Jaguar was soo much
cooler being British and all. You're a loser and everyone
knows it. Now you're stuck for 2 years making lease pay-
ments on what's basically a Ford Taurus. Dumb-fuck.

Hi Wanda, the frigg'n tree hugger in the Prius w/ the Kerry
bumper sticker: I know that you can see your miles-per-
gallon right there on the dash but that's not an excuse
to not get out of my way. I have an 8 cylinder car for a
reason, I like to go fast and I don't care about the
mileage. You're not saving the environment by not getting
out of my way. In fact, in your honor I just killed two
spotted owls and dumped lye in a pond. Think about that
the next time you think you're better than me. We should
have a law that says no vehicles on the highway unless
they have at least 310 HP. So the least you can do is keep
your fucking go-cart out of the left lane.

Now I know that most of you retards don't have drivers
licenses due to the chronic alcohol & drug abuse. But as
my guess is that you drive anyway, I encourage everyone
to drive safely. That means you drive 55-60 in the right
lane, 60-70 in the middle lane, and left lane is for
passing only. OK?

--Jimbo

I need a drink,

Chadwick
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